Christmas

Christmas Day is nearly over, but it's the first chance I've had to sit quietly in front of the fire, alone with my thoughts and able to post something. Thank you to those of you who made comments lately, especially those who described vivid memories of Mom.

Dad arrived in Pittsburgh on the 23rd and stayed with Grant and Deborah through Christmas Eve. After our respective church services we all met at Grant and Deborah's for fondue, sushi, and shrimp. A particularly poignant part of the evening was gathering around Miles as he listened to the recorded story "Twas the Night Before Christmas" that Mom had read to him in time for Christmas last year. This morning Dad, John, and I woke up at our house, drank coffee and ate cinnamon rolls, then opened stockings. Grant's family joined us later in the day along with Mom's dad, Scott. Before we opened presents as a family Dad led us in a reflection for Mom where we lit candles and read sayings about keeping loved ones' memories alive. Miles and Claire laughed and threw wrapping paper everywhere as they opened gifts, and we all enjoyed sharing in their delight. Mom would have been giddy with excitement and loved that we were all together. After a dinner of pork tenderloin and delicious side dishes we watched home movies until the kids got sleepy. We were blessed with a day of togetherness.

Last Christmas, Mom insisted that it was her final celebration of the holiday she loved so much. She had a sense, I'm sure, of her body slowly accepting defeat. Her spirit, however, couldn't be defeated, and it was that spirit that we celebrated around the dinner table and as we sat by the crackling fire.

I hope that today each of you spent time with those you love and treated that time like a treasured gift. And though it might not be sound theology, I hope that Mom saw Miles smile and Claire run toward the tree and all of us gather around to hold each other as close as we could.

My mom was such a great hostess. I remember watching her seamlessly put elegant and flavorful dinners on the table, never seeming to serve the same dish twice. At the same time she managed to be so much fun annd make everyone feel welcome. There wasn't a dinner party without a theme or a game or two to break the ice when the guests arrived.

I threw a small get-together last night for a dozen friends, and the whole time I longed for my mom to be on the other end of the phone, giving me advice on my table settings or helping me create a mental checklist, or just listening as I recalled the guests and the conversation. She would have remembered every detail, and even though these friends are people I went to college with and only see once a year she would have been able to distinguish them. She listened and paid attention to detail like no one I have ever known.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad. We still celebrate the union you shared.

Thanksgiving Eve

My mom would be proud of me. I am cooking a new dish that I've never even tasted before, much less prepared. It's really healthy and is full of squash and wild rice and various dried fruits and herbs. The reality is that it's a labor of love for my stepdaughter, who recently became a vegan and won't find much to eat at Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow unless I bring something that fits her dietary specifications. But actually it's been kind of fun to make, and as I've cooked memories of my mom are flooding my mind.

...I'm remembering all the Thanksgiving Eve's from my childhood when Mom would prepare rice-just plain, boring old rice-for dinner. That's all we were given from dinner that night until the Thanksgiving meal the next day, and this tradition served as a reminder of all the children around the world who went to bed hungry every night or enjoyed meager rations at best. I hope that someday I can pass on these lessons to my own kids.

Several friends have passed along words of hope and sound advice and strong hugs this week as I prepare for the first holiday without my mom. I don't know what to expect tomorrow, but I know I've shed enough tears today to fill a water glass on the Thanksgiving table. Everything seemed sort of hollow: grocery shopping, packing, dropping the dogs at the kennel, shutting down my computer at work-as though there was nothing to look forward to. There is much to anticipate, of course: seeing my family members and especially Miles and Claire, enjoying food and friendship and spending time with John's family this coming Saturday. I am just going to try to rest in a spirit of gratitude for what I do have.

I think I am most grateful for Heaven because I know that although my mom won't occupy a seat at the Thanksgiving table tomorrow she and I will share a feast together one day.

I can feel her smile as I write this. I'm glad she's with my Baba and surrounded by others we have known and loved.

My heart also is filled with gratitude for each of you. Blessings to you as we thank God for his mercy and his abiding presence.

Updates

There is hardly a situation in my life where I don't, at some point, think about what my mom would do or say, how she would advise. I am amazed at how, over the last few months, even the simplest of daily activities or happenings draws my mind toward her. All the little things that add up to form my days used to seem so insignificant, but now I wish I could bottle them all up and just for one moment have her here with me so I could show her or tell her or ask her. I have been missing the contact with all of you and wanted to update you on life since August.

My dad is keeping very busy. His social calendar is packed every night, and he's been initiating some new groups/Bible studies at church. He plays tennis every chance he gets and has been visiting often with his family in Lancaster. John and I got to see him a few weeks ago when we attended my cousin's engagement party in Baltimore, and we are all looking forward to being together at the beginning of November when my dad visits Pittsburgh for the annual fundraising banquet for the pregnancy center where I work.

Grant, Deborah, Miles, and Claire are busy with a variety of activities as well; Grant with teaching and coaching, Deborah with chasing Claire--who can walk now--and keeping up with Miles--who now seems to know a million words. This past weekend Grant, Deborah, John and I met PapPap (Mom's dad) at the cottage to close it up for the season and were able to catch up with him a little bit. He seems to be doing very well. We enjoyed taking the kids on a hayride despite the dreary weather.

John and I continue to get settled in our house. John's younger daughter, Abby, is busy applying to college and going to Homecoming and working and just being a senior. We have a great time attending her varied activities. I have joined the Junior Women's Club of Pittsburgh (which would really make my mom smile) and am trying out a new Bible study aimed at pairing younger women with older ones as a sort of mentor/mentee relationship. I have begun editing college admissions essays for juniors and seniors and enjoy the extra pocket money.

I am very aware that keeping busy can only distract from the grieving process but can't heal me.

The readers of this blog are never far from my thoughts. You each have made a profound impression. My heart is comforted when I think of the ways you each might be keeping Mom's memory alive.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.

Dear Friends,

I have often started my posts by calling you "friends," but now more than ever that name seems appropriate, even for those of you I don't know well or don't know at all. The outpouring of love and support we as a family experienced at Mom's memorial service was astounding. Although the funeral day was overwhelming and produced a sadness in me that I have never experienced before, it also stirred up hope. Mom would have appreciated the entire day so much, from the flowers to the singing to the beautiful tributes and message to the delicious luncheon to the presence of each one of you.

Many have asked me when I was going to write a new entry on this blog. I have tried several times to write, and each time no words have come to me. I searched for something profound to say, but I haven't yet even come to terms with my own grief to the point where I can even absorb much in the way of wise words or helpful advice, let alone post any of it. My mom was the one who always knew exactly what to say, and I pray that she has left even a small portion of that ability to me. For now, we have just tried to move through the day with as much strength as possible. We have spent time together as a family, visiting the cottage and trading memories of summer days spent there with Mom. We are finishing a week of vacation with a combined birthday celebration for Deborah (July 30th), and Claire (August 14th--she was Mom's birthday twin!), and me (today) after spending several days in Ocean City, NJ. Mom loved the beach and the ocean so much. It was both comforting and painful to be there.

An hour doesn't pass without a fresh memory of Mom passing through my mind, sometimes as a playful nudge, other times as quick and jarring as a clap of thunder. We received several e-mails and handwritten notes from friends representing every phase of Mom's life and find great solace in reading their memories and reflections. Please continue to share if you feel led--we would rather talk about Mom and hear from the people who loved her even if it is sometimes painful; these recollections keep her spirit alive for us.

I can hardly believe that I turned 31 today. In some ways I feel like so much of my life has passed in the blink of an eye; in other ways I gaze into the future and feel the weight of how much of my life I must face without my Mom's advice and encouragement and easy laughter. With every day that passes I have more questions than answers, which is why the truths we focused on at the memorial service are so timely and so necessary. God's grace is still sufficient.

Thank you all for wanting to continue this journey with us.

It is very difficult for me to think about beginning a new week without my mom, but I'm trying my best. Grant and I are temporarily back in Pittsburgh with our families and will return late this week to prepare for the memorial service. We both received great support yesterday from those in our church families and continue to find solace in the e-mails and cards we have been receiving.

Many of you have e-mailed me asking for my address and for Grant's so that you could keep in touch with us, so we thought it would be easiest to just post them here:

Nadine and John Michalak
338 Myrna Drive
Pittsburgh, PA 15241
npmemories@yahoo.com

Grant and Deborah McKinney
1201 Lindbergh Ave.
Pittsburgh, PA 15223

Below is a link to Mom's obituary, which ran today in the Philadelphia Inquirer and Beaver County Times. We are so thankful for the outpouring of love you have shown.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/philly/obituary.aspx?n=debra-louise-cribbs-mckinney&pid=143999379

Arrangements for Mom's memorial service are as follows:

Saturday, July 17th at 11:00 a.m.
Leverington Presbyterian Church, 6301 Ridge Ave., Philadelphia, PA 19128

Refeshments for friends and family will be provided in Westminster Hall at the church following the service.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Wellness Community of Philadelphia. http://www.twcp.org/

Friends,

Mom passed away at approximately 1:10 a.m. She died peacefully in her bed with my dad lying by her side.

We will post arrangements for her memorial service tomorrow.

The hospice nurse left around 5 p.m. She evaluated Mom and put fresh linens on the bed before sharing that she feels Mom's death is imminent. Of course, only God knows the time, but I share this bit of insight with you to give you an idea of the time frame when we will be celebrating Mom's life. Mom wanted her memorial service to be on a Saturday so that those who would have to travel in order to attend could be accomodated. This discussion seems very surreal and premature to us. I will post details on the blog at the appropriate time.

Your friendship, prayers, and support during these especially difficult days are a great gift to us.

Good morning, friends. Mom had another peaceful night, surrounded by her family. Her breathing seems a little more labored but she started on another medication to help with the congestion. Thank you for praying that she would continue to be free of pain and discomfort. I will update as the day goes on.

Friends,
I apologize for not getting to this post earlier in the day, but John and I were celebrating our favorite 3-year-old's birthday by taking him on a fieldtrip to Build-A-Bear. He and his new furry friend, "Niles," kept Mica company for a little while before changing into swimsuits and enjoying a birthday gift of a sprinkler for the backyard.

As Adina reported, Mom continues to rest comfortably as the day wears on. The hospice nurse, Kathy, was here this afternoon to assess Mom's condition. Kathy commented that she is passing through the process very naturally and peacefully. She also observed that Mom looks so beautiful. Also during the course of the afternoon we cleaned Mom up a little bit and brushed her hair; we continue to share stories and read to her.

At this point it is too difficult to even process our feelings let alone put them into words, but we will keep you all posted as best we can. Right now, we are going to enjoy Miles' birthday pie and continue to be grateful for each moment we have with Mom.

This is Adina posting...

Nadine will likely post a longer, more detailed message sometime later, but we know that many of you have been checking regularly looking for updates. With the oxygen that Deb began receiving Sunday night, she was more responsive on Monday and was able to speak and interact a bit. Many friends were able to come to the house and share some final moments with her. As of today, Deb is sleeping peacefully but shows little or no signs of responsiveness.

Today is Deb and Will's grandson's birthday. Miles' excitement for his birthday and Claire's captivating laughter as she and Will were playing on the floor this afternoon are warm reminders that Deb's legacy will be carried on in so many ways through her and Will's dear children and grandchildren.

The family continues to be appreciative of your thoughts, prayers and the circle of love that is surrounding them.

As I post this entry from Mom's office, formerly my childhood bedroom, in Philadelphia I can hardly believe how quickly things have changed. After the oncologist's news near the end of last week we were all saddened and concerned and made plans to get here today or tomorrow to spend time with Mom and support Dad. Grant and I and our families were attending various holiday celebrations with friends back in Pittsburgh when the hospice nurse announced that things had taken a drastic turn, and we all rushed here last night, arriving around midnight.

Currently, Mom is on oxygen and resting comfortably in bed, receiving occasional doses of liquid morphine. She seems to recognize us and smiles when we tell her stories and sing to her, but hasn't really opened her eyes and has only said a word or two every couple of hours. This morning, Miles and Claire sat in bed with her and hugged her, which perked her up a bit, and she did take a few sips of water. She hasn't eaten since Saturday. Dad's sister Lisa, a nurse, is here with us--the "us" includes Dad, Grant, Deborah, Miles, Claire, John, and me. We are so grateful for the Lord's mercy in giving us time to spend with Mom and for keeping her pain at bay.

It seems unfathomable to me that just two weeks ago we were all out to brunch for Father's Day and Mom was eating bacon and eggs. Grant and I spent some time in the middle of the night just holding Mom's hand and talking to her about Heaven and all of the joy that awaits here there. We know even in these hours of terrible sadness that we will all we feasting again together one day.

Your support and love continues to be vital. Please understand that we cannot respond to all texts and e-mails personally right at this moment but I promise to post as regulary as I can over the next hours and days.

Oncologist Visit

Dear friends, I wish I could write without such a heavy heart, but unfortunately the oncologist did not have an abundance of good news to share with Mom and Dad today.

First of all, Mom and Dad asked her about the swelling in Mom's legs and abdomen. We were hoping that perhaps the oncologist might suggest a new medication to diminish the amount of excess fluid in her body. The response was that there is nothing that can really help, and the oncologist actually elected to take Mom off the diuretics altogether. Draining the fluid is not an option, either, because it is not contained in any one particular area. The "doctor lingo" to explain this condition is that Mom has "low albumin levels," which I googled and also talked to several nurses about this afternoon. Basically I think it means that her body cannot properly distribute fluids because of this condition, which is caused by the liver and kidneys failing to function at 100%. One other point to make it that the diuretics she was taking are causing other areas of her body to dry up instead of drying up her legs and abdomen, which may explain in part why her energy level is so low and why she has trouble talking for long periods of time.

Mom and Dad chose to ask a dreaded question: What does all of this mean for length of life? The doctor's answer was that it will be a matter of weeks. She advised that Mom no longer travel and instead Grant and I and our families make the trip across the state as often as we can. My hope is that God will give us as much time with Mom as possible. We are planning a trip in conjunction with my cousin Brendan's wedding to Ocean City, NJ, the first week in August. Please join us in praying that we will all have the chance to be together on the beach. And please pray for Mom's pain levels and for peace for her and for my dad.

Tomorrow's Oncologist Visit

Just a quick entry to remind you all that Mom will be seeing her oncologist tomorrow afternoon at 3:30. Please pray that she and Dad will be able to communicate clearly Mom's needs at this point and, if possible, a way of relieving some of mom's pain and swelling can be identified. Mom will also be seeking the doctor's wisdom on whether or not she can travel next week to Pittsburgh or whether we can only at this point come to visit her.

Some quiet time in Newport

Hi everyone. This is Adina writing on behalf of Deb and Will.
Last week, Deb and Will ventured to Newport Rhode Island for a get-away from Tuesday - Friday. They stayed at the Hyatt Regency on Goat Island. They turned off their cell phones and really enjoyed four days of focusing just on one another.

They enjoyed a number of outings. They visited two mansions: Breakers and Marble House; took a boat tour where they caught glimpses of Eisenhower's and Jackie Onassis' summer homes; and walked along the cliffs that ran along the back side of the mansions. They also enjoyed some quiet time at the pool and relaxing in some Adirondack chairs watching the sailboats, reading and napping. Deb and Will also enjoyed some lovely dinners together. They espcially enjoyed dinner at the Ocean Cliff Restaurant where they soaked up an incredible sunset together. The lobster wasn't bad either!

The ride home was 9 very long hours and this was tough on both Deb and Will. Since Deb's kidneys are not functioning at 100%, her legs and abdomen are swelling and she is experiencing discomfort as a result of these new symptoms along with the persistent pain of the hemroids. The nurse came today and indicated that these symptoms reflect the natural progression of the disease and there is little to be done about them. She did recommend some adjustments to the medications to help enable Deb to be more comfortable as things progress.

Overall, sitting with Deb today, I continue to be amazed that, in spite of everything, Deb's primary thoughts are of concern and care for others. She wants everything to be as easy as possible for her family, and - as always - she asks what is going on in other's lives before ever focusing on her own. Our dear friend is such a special person and it is a blessing each day to be with her.

Unfortunately, Deb's energy levels are diminshing and she is not able to return as many phone calls and text messages as before. She loves reading the posts on the blog, so this is a wonderful way to stay connected and continue to share your prayers.

Hello, everyone. This is a joint effort between Mom and me. We are sitting together in the coolness of Mom and Dad's living room, the air conditioner whirring in the background, enjoying one another's presence. Mom wants to apologize for the lull in communication over the last week-and-a-half, but Miles' visit consumed all of her time. She, Dad, and Miles had a wonderful visit together. Mom wrote a book about their adventures and Miles provided the artwork. She is sure he will win a Caldecot medal for his illustrations. Their adventures included a trip to Sesame Place, and while Miles loved riding on the teacups and Big Bird's Balloon Race, he only enjoyed watching the characters from a distance. Once he got up close enough to touch Cookie Monster and Big Bird he was a little afraid and wanted to stay close to Mica and Pop Pop. They explored Morris Arboretum and checked out the train display and tree house, but Miles' favorite activity was Smith Playground in Fairmount Park. The wooden slide with burlap sacks to ride on was the same one his dad enjoyed as a child. Many friends visited for dinner or hosted Mom, Dad, and Miles. He was personable with everyone, and it was easy to see why he kept Mom and Dad smiling and laughing all week long. Every day, Mom and Miles enjoyed naps together and shared bedtimes, Miles tucked in his "big boy bed" on the floor beneath Mom and Dad's bed.

On Friday afternoon, Grant, Deborah and Claire arrived; John and I drove out on Saturday morning and will leave later today. The weekend was full of special times as a family, from quiet talks to game night to brunch at Bourbon Blue for Father's Day.

Unfortunately, Mom continues to struggle with pain from the hemmorhoids, compounded by the fact that her legs, ankles, and abdomen are swelling due to her kidneys not functioning at 100%. The caring hospice nurses are on top of the situation and are trying different options to alleviate these symptoms if possible. Mom and Dad plan to leave tomorrow (Tuesday) for vacation in Newport, Rhode Island and will return on Friday. They are really looking forward to one-on-one time together. Please pray for safe travels for them and pray that Mom will be able to enjoy the experience and not be plagued by pain and discomfort.

Thank you, dear friends, for beginning another week with us.

It is Friday

Hello Everyone,

I hope you have had a good week. Will and I just came home from doing some grocery shopping because tomorrow Miles comes to stay with us for the week. We are meeting Deborah and Grant at her brother's wedding midstate, putting the car seat in our car and driving home with our grandson. We are so thankful to have the opportunity to spend the time with him.

A very good friend texts me each morning with a thought for the day. She talked about praying this was a "gentle" day. I loved that. Now I look at each day and hope for that gentleness of pain, of attitude, of faith, of perserverance, and of kindness from me and to me. The word just has a natural feeling for me.

Have I experienced that gentleness each day this week? The pain level is more managed thanks to hospice care and my nurse, Kathy. I have some very painful hemorrhoids that the prescribed meds aren't cracking yet. Without those I really think I'd see a difference of pain.
My attitude has been more peaceful, enjoying the porch, a book, a walk. My faith is thankful for the caring and strength the Lord shows to me.

I hope I've made a difference in someone's life this week by being kind to them. I hope I don't get into that mindset of taking but never reciprocating.

Of course I'm prejudice but I think Nadine and John make a beautiful and joyfilled couple. They are so full of love for me as they continue to research clinical trials and alternative treatment. They are coming to Philly next weekend for a visit. How blessed I am to see all my kids this week.

Thanks for your support. Did you notice that I left perserverance out of my gentle accountability list? There are days I feel like a burden to others and wonder how this is going to play out and in what time frame. Then there are days, I think, "Yea, I'm still here and they can all continue to enjoy me!"

Blessings for this weekend.
Much love,
Deb

Mid-Week Reflections

Hello, faithful friends.

My mom has been doing a great job of updating the blog while I've been consumed with wedding details, enjoying my honeymoon, and getting settled in our new house, but I wanted to share an anecdote with you this morning.

John and I are involved in a thriving church in the South Hills of Pittsburgh that ministers to us week after week. This past Monday he and I decided to attend a prayer and fasting service there. I dutifully picked up the list of church-wide prayer requests at the door as we entered and followed along point by point through the duration of the service. What I realized later is how easy it is to compartmentalize with God, to think that we are only "supposed to" pray for certain things in certain ways for certain amounts of time. Scripture tells us to "pray without ceasing," and I admit that my heart has forgotten this truth at times throughout this journey of Mom's diagnosis and battle. Since Mom made the decision to stop treatment I have become somewhat hardened and resigned, and the fire of hope in my heart has dimmed just a bit. During the corporate prayer time, as I sat next to him and held his hand, my sweet husband said, suddenly, and in a loud, clear voice: "I pray that you would heal Deb McKinney, that you would remove every trace of cancer from her body and make her whole again." His prayer, simple and straight-forward, resounded in my heart long after the topic had moved on to the missionaries in Panama and Vacation Bible School. And I realized that his faith is the kind of faith that can move mountains because it is pure and fresh and trusting.

I learned a lot from John that night--a lot about God, a lot about myself, a lot about all of us who claim to be people of faith. Let us not grow weary and lose heart. Let us anticipate God-sized healing and profound encounters with Him. Let us continue to pray for the seemingly-impossible request: Mom's total and complete healing.

And, in the meantime, we are so grateful for your continued support from near and far and your prayers for Mom to have pain-free days and meaningful time with family and friends.

On a side note, my dad's persistent request for more wedding photos on the blog prompted me to add some. Guess they can serve as a reminder of moments of joy in the midst of sometimes paralyzing hardship.

Friday update

Hello All,

Nadine and I decided that I will update everyone about the week on Fridays and then she will write when she wants to share reflections.

This has been a week of total submersion into the hospice system. I've seen several intake nurses and just yesterday met with Kathy, who will be my personal nurse to continue this journey along side me. She is someone both Will and I feel can be trusted and relied upon. The folks at Hospice have been able to get the pain level more manageable for me as we try different combinations and dosages.

I was taking a walk with a friend for breakfast at the coffee house and tripped on the sidewalk and fell. Some knee and hand bruises and aches from trying to twist my body so I wouldn't go down headfirst. Wow, I thought, "Now I can't walk right, what's next?" Figured that out quickly when I could not recall the word for mulch. Thought--there goes my brain too. Fortunately I was able to recall the flowers I wanted planted around the house so there is hope for me yet!

Several visits from some long time friends. I enjoy seeing them so. Will is having a more difficult time. He feels that folks are lining up to say goodbye and he stuggles with that. I am thankful that I am fortunate to have friends who care about me and want to be with me during the months ahead.

Please continue to pray for all those in my family as we look to the future and the Hope we have in Christ and the promise of eternal life with Him. I do have a "home in gloryland that outshines the sun."

Much love,
Deb

Chemo decision

Hello Everyone,

Will and I just returned from my appointment with my oncologist at Penn. She is such a lovely woman with much knowledge and compassion.For me, chemotherapy cannot help to make me a surgical candidate (too many tumors in the liver and lungs and too large a tumor in the colon), it cannot cure the disease nor can it lead to remission.

Therefore I have decided to not have any more treatments for the cancer. I will continue to have a relationship with my oncologist and see her periodically for blood tests, but for primary medical treatment I will be under the care of Penn Wissahickon Hospice starting tomorrow.

Will, Nadine and John and Grant and Deborah are all supportive and loving, knowing how much prayer went into this decision. For me chemo may prolong death, but it won't extend life. I've always wanted to have quality of life over quantity.

Of course we don't know how long life will last. Only the Lord knows that answer. So I will be pleased and thankful for you to continue taking this journey with me. Love, Deb

From Will - Reading "how long life will last" makes me very sad. Is this the beginning of the end? Not really - The apostle Paul's words in his second letter to Corinth give us hope. "We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." We do appreciate your support....Will

Straight from sunny Florida...

I read Mom's post and agree that the wedding weekend and all the families memories we were able to make were truly wonderful. Hope you will enjoy these few photos...

What a wonderful time we all had......

We are home, very tired, but with smiles bursting forth. Nadine and John are on their honeymoon and finally relaxing after months of preparation in house selling, buying, moving, closings, wedding prep and the normal routines of life.

The weekend offered special times with my dad, my grandchildren, family members and many friends. The ceremony and reception were lovely and Claire's baptism was very meaningful.

The pain medications helped me and taking some naps got me through the days. Will and I visited Miles' school and were so impressed with all the speech and hearing help they provide for the students there.

Special moments were walking Nadine down the aisle, dancing with John who promised me he would always cherish Nadine and care for her, having Miles run down the walkway yelling "Mica" and jumping into my arms, listening to Grant who memorized and personalized the scripture passage during the ceremony, and hugging my newly married daughter. How very thankful I was to be there.

On Thursday we will meet with the oncologist. Please pray for wisdom in decisions we make as to next steps.

Thank you for your continual support. I'm sure Nadine will post some wedding photos on the blog.

Love,
Deb

Wedding weekend

Hello all,

Will and I are packing, getting ready to leave for Pittsburgh tomorrow and all the wedding festivities. How excited we are to share in the joy of Nadine and John. We also will be with Grant and Deborah on Sunday morning as our granddaughter, Claire, is baptised with Will participating.

In the fall of 2009, several doctors urged me to suggest that Nadine and John move up their wedding date in case I wouldn't be here to join them. I did not do that, trusting that the Lord would answer our prayers.

All of your prayers have made this possible. The Lord is indeed gracious and kind.

Please pray for us all this weekend and that my energy will be strong as I join in this celebration.

Love,
Deb

Although Mom was able to attend support group today and felt very uplifted there, she had a difficult meeting with the oncologist. Her CEA numbers continue to climb, and the doctor shared that the latest scans reveal disheartening news: the tumors in her colon and liver continue to grow. The oncologist feels that it is imperative she begin chemo treatments of some kind as soon as possible and discussed various options with Mom and Dad. No decisions were reached. Mom also was given fluids to treat some dehydration issues she has had in the last day or so. Everyone's short-term goal is to make sure that Mom is strong and healthy enough to leave-a week from today!-for my wedding.

The procedure to insert stents into Mom's colon went well!

She is resting at home and plans to meet with the oncologist on Wednesday to determine next steps as far as further treatment is concerned, though it is unlikely that she will start a new treatment regimine before mid-June. When I talked to her earlier she said that her pain levels have decreased already, another bonus of having this procedure done today.

Praise God for his sustaining love.

Dr. Ginsberg Stent Report - Successful

The endoscope was passed with ease through the anus under direct visualization and advanced to the transverse colon. Tumor was visualized at the 15 cm obstructing completely the lumen. Fluoroscopy confirmed short 1-2 cm stricture at the tumor site with the colonic dilation above. The Savary guidewire was passed through the small orifice under the fluoroscopic guidance. The initial attempt to place under floroscopic guidance Ultraflex Precision stent was not successful due to distal migation of the stent. The stent was removed with forceps. The guidewire was passed through the small orifice under fluroscopic guidance. The adequate position was confirmed with fluoroscopy. The 20x60mm Wallstent was successfully deployed. recommend low residual diet, no uncooked fruits and vegetables, encourage nutritional supplements, continue miralax at the dose of 17 grams.

The doctor told me it was a beautiful sight when everything came gushing out. (I guess you have to be into that kind of thing) Anyway, praise God....the blockage is opened and Deb will now just have pain from the cancer....and not from having to poop. She is pooped - however - I think she is just emotionally exhausted about worrying - what would happen if this didn't work. Of course that would have meant surgery; so we are so thankful that the second time was a charm. Thanks for your prayers, will

and also Mother's Day from Nadine...

I spent much of the day thinking. I sat in church, letting the music wash over me, trying to forgive myself for being so far away from my Mom today. I rode around with John as we frantically tried to accomplish many errands, still thinking. And as I stared blankly at my newly stocked kitchen cabinets a few minutes ago, trying to think of something to make for dinner, I continued to think. I thought about my Mom and everything that she's taught me over the years. Sometimes I welcomed the lessons; other times I'm sure I resisted, but all of those "teachable moments" will be forever etched in my memory.

Here is just a sampling of the lessons I recalled today:
1. Family matters.

2. People should stand up for what they believe in.

3. Baking is an exact science (which is why my mom doesn't do it). Cooking leaves more room for interpretation (which is why she's a fantastic cook).

4. We are usually stronger than we realize.

5. When decorating, arrange items in odd-numbered groupings rather than even ones.

6. No one is ever too old to cuddle in bed with his or her parents.

7. Cultural literacy is an important part of education.

8. There is nothing like a good book.

9. For every new item you bring into your home, get rid of something.

10. Confidence gets a person far in life.

11. White shoes are not okay after Labor Day. And linen should not be worn until May.

12. Coffee mugs and tea mugs should never be mixed up or else your tea will taste like coffee.

13. Love never fails (okay, she borrowed it from First Corinthians, but she taught me this one by example).

Tomorrow Mom goes in for a procedure, which she already explained in her post. I believe with all my heart that she will walk out of the hospital tomorrow with renewed hope and a strong spirit and increased energy and decreased pain. I believe that in 13 days she will be here in Pittsburgh, along with Dad, to walk me down the aisle. I believe this because I walk by faith and with confidence, because that is what my mom taught me to do. Thank you all for encouraging her with this truth as well. That's what friends are for--to remind us of the important lessons when life is hard and our mind forgets.

Happy Mother's Day to every mom who is reading this. And to my mom, thank you for giving me life and for sustaining me physically and emotionally through every twist and turn. May God hold you close to him tonight. May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Mothers' Day from Deb

Today we had a beautiful worship service at Leverington. Will's sermon and the music and celebrating communion were all very meaningful for me.

The last several days I have been feeling sorry for myself. The pain has been unrelenting and the protocol the GI team has me on to prevent blockage has been demanding on my body. Friends have called and stopped by--yet I have not been very hospitable.

My spirits are down as I await the stent procedure tomorrow. I have hope that it will ease the pain and the constant obsession I have with elimination and blockage issues. But we don't know what the doctor will encounter once he goes into the colon.

My children have called and I know so many people are praying. Thank you for surrounding me with so much love. Tomorrow we will put in the Lord's hand.

Love,
Deb

Deb is home

Hello Everyone,

Home never looked so welcoming as it did when we finally arrived home from the hospital at 5 pm today. The doctors tried many concoctions before I was able to find success in bypassing the blockage in the colon. I continue to deal with much cramping as all the various meds need to get out of my system. But I so wanted to come home instead of waiting in the hospital for Dr. Ginsberg to arrive home from New Orleans.

The stent insertion is scheduled for Monday, May 10 at 1 pm. This GI doctor is the expert in this procedure so I am trusting that this palliative measure is the way to go. The stent is a type of spring device that when inserted will serve to allow the colon, which is blocked by the tumor, to have a wider opening. While it certainly is not a cure, it will hopefully make day to day living easier on my body.

Will spoke with my oncologist today and she has some new ideas of treatment to deal with the liver tumors that would perhaps help in shrinking them. I have an appointment to meet with her on Wednesday, the 12th.

I can tell the difference in my energy level after having the two bags of blood transfused yesterday. My blood count went up and I can tell in the way I feel.

The hospital is not a fun place, but I had wonderful friends who visited and kept me laughing. I also improved in my texting skills as so many of you sent messages of love and support.

The doctors sent me home with a list of foods I am allowed to eat. Think of the most unhealthy diet and it is mine--white bread, rice, noodles, etc. and the funniest is the cereals I am allowed to have: fruit loops, honey grahams--anything with no fiber and I guess empty calories!

Right now I long for a shower since my port is de-accessed. I know it is an uphill journey ahead, but I am thankful not to be facing it alone.

May the Lord be with you all tonight. I look forward to an uniterrupted night's sleep.

Love,
Deb

This is Adina again...

This was a challenging day for Deb. The good news is that she did have some small success with beginning to clear her colon. She still has a ways to go, but this was encouraging. They gave her a 1/2 gallon container of Go Lightly to drink in the hopes that this will further help the process.

On the more challenging side, they took Deb's blood during the night and found that her blood count was low and scheduled her to have an infusion today. In addition, her blood pressure has been climbing. Her oncologist will be in to visit tomorrow and we hope that she will be able to further assist in the coordination of Deb's care. I hope to be there tomorrow when the doctor comes. It turns out that the GI doctor that Deb is waiting on will not be back at the hospital until Monday. At this point, Deb believes that she would rather remain in the hospital until then, but this will continue to remain an open decision based upon how her overall condition progresses.

Deb does have access to a computer on her floor and has been checking the blog so feel free to leave her messages. She is comforted by the wonderful communications she has been receiving. I will post more again tomorrow.

This is Adina updating the blog on behalf of Deb, Will, Nadine and Grant.

Deb was admitted to the Hospital at the University of Pennsylvania on Saturday. The CT scan indicates that she has a partial blockage in her colon due to the fact that the tumor in her colon has grown again. She may also have some swelling and inflammation. The CT scan also indicates three new tumors on her liver.

Deb is currently ingesting a variety of forms of laxatives to help empty her colon which is currently impacted. So far, she is having little success. Her GI surgeon is in New Orleans until Thursday and we are awaiting his return so he can perform a non-invasive procedure to expand the opening in her colon and place a stint in there to keep it open. She is in varying amounts of pain and is getting regular pain medications to keep her as comfortable as possible. We must all pray that her body remains strong until the doctor arrives on Thursday and can perform the procedure on either Thursday or Friday.

Deb is not up for many visitors, though she is very grateful for all the kind prayers and well wishes that are coming her way. Since she rests at varying times during the day, it is safest to text before calling or to see if she is up for a visit. I will continue to post with updates.

Just a few minutes ago, Mom was admitted to the hospital with a potential colon blockage. She will be monitored and undergo tests to determine the best course of action. Please pray.

Deb's update

What a beautiful message Nadine shared from others who are struggling and looking to the Lord for their vision and strength.

The weekend I spent in Pittsburgh was indeed wonderful. Deborah, Miles, Claire and I cheered for Grant as the coach of the varsity boys' tennis team at Hampton HS. They won! I was able to attend class with Miles at the DePaul School for Hearing and Speech. Miles goes there two mornings a week and I loved meeting his teachers and 5 classmates. We are so thankful for the gift DePaul is in helping Miles.

Off to the South Hills and spending some time with Nadine. The home she and John bought is terrific. Lots of spacious rooms and a gorgeous piece of property in Upper St. Clair section of Pittsburgh. John is such a hard worker as he begins repairs on the house. Nadine would like it done and decorated yesterday. She is her mother's child. John was always kind to return to his house early to give Nadine and I special time together.

Grant and all arrived early Saturday morning and all of us were together for the next two days as we helped Nadine' friend Lori prepare for the shower. Deborah did a lovely job decorating tables and the room. I, of course, spent more of my time playing with Miles, who is fascinated with the water faucet on the new refrigerator, and Claire who smiles and laughs at everyone.
It was so very special to attend the shower and see friends. How thankful I am for their support and love.

Back home to reality and an appointment yesterday at HUP. I met with a Gastorenterologist who is recommending a sigmoidoscopy at the end of May. He doesn't want to do anything to upset the "apple cart" before the wedding. The doctor feels that a colon stent may be necessary. My stomach clenches each time we turn into the underground parking garage at HUP. I wonder what is next.

I pray the the Lord will be my vision today as I keep my eyes focused on Him. Thank you for caring enough to read this blog and your continued prayers and support.

Love,
Deb

Hello, friends. I have to apologize for letting so much time go by since my last post (or, more accurately, Mom's last post.) Most of my free time lately has been devoted to wedding planning and house organizing, and since this is Mom's blog I haven't felt like I should be giving a play-by-play of those happenings. This past weekend Mom was able to visit and celebrate with me at my wedding shower, and all I can say is that it was an indescribable blessing. Grant and Deborah and the kids were with us for most of the time as well. Mom and I got to sit and talk, shop for and decorate my new home, and celebrate God's gift of a fresh start for John and me.

Update on Mom's health:
Mom continues to exhibit such strength of character. She is working hard at eating and drinking regularly and gaining back some of the weight she lost. Although often fatigued and still struggling with pain, she puts all of that aside to support us and celebrate with us. We all recognize that each day is a gift. Please continue to pray for her as she is still taking a break from chemo, that she will be strengthened and remain in stable health so she can enjoy the wedding next month and upcoming vacation time with Dad.

I felt compelled to share a portion of someone else's blog, which I stumbled upon this morning while researching a church for a friend. I was so captivated by the faith of the writer, Larissa, and her fiance, Ian, who suffered traumatic brain injury four years ago and still faces a long road of rehab. I hope her words minister to you as much as they did to me.

Jun 30, 2009

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

I was reminded again tonight through this song of how lost we can feel in our trials, griefs, sadness, confusion. It so often becomes unclear of what we are supposed to do, how we are to respond. Many of us are in situations that we can't change so not only are we in situations that we don't necessarily desire, but we don't always know how to correctly respond to them either. I don't want Ian's life to be like this, and I don't always clearly know how we are to respond since he hasn't been healed yet. And then the rare times when I am thinking clearly, and do feel like I know how I should respond, I'm too tired to act on that truth anyway.

God gently reminded me and reminded Ian through this song that God is always our vision. Whether we are waking or sleeping, understanding or confused, thinking clearly or swallowed by sadness, he is our light. He will continue to be our vision- it's not dependent on us or our response. God promises to be with us, whether we feel that He is or not.

This life is very, very hard and many, many people are travelling the broken road as wearied and tired bodies. Ian's road has been much more broken than I could ever have imagined. This man that I love dearly is severely afflicted and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. I can't heal him but how I desperately wish I could. But we have to press on, and hold fast that God is our vision and that he somehow will strengthen us to finish this race well- whether we feel like we can or not- and we'll try to laugh along the way. He will be our vision leading us to heaven.

http://www.prayforian.com/

Chemo Holiday Continues....

We just returned from HUP and seeing my oncologist, so I told Nadine I would write on the blog. Earlier this week I had my blood drawn to check the cancer marker. Unfortunately the CEA count has risen from 126 to 706 which Dr. Teitelbaum says means that the cancer is active. However since my energy level and liver markers are so good, the doctor feels comfortable with me continuing on chemo holiday. She plans to do scans and markers again on May 28 after the wedding.
She urged me to relax and enjoy everyday. There are a variety of chemo drugs to try when it becomes necessary to manage the cancer in a more aggressive way.
We left the hospital today with a bouyant spirit being thankful for God's faithfulness.

PS. The doctor was not pleased that I lost 4 1/2 pounds. She said I need to put calories in my mouth every two hours to put some weight back on. When you see me or write, please remind me to eat. :-)

Your love, Oh Lord, reaches to the heavens.
Your faithfulness stretches to the skies.

And your righteousness is like the mighty mountains;
Your justice flows like the oceans tide.

And I will lift my voice to worship you, my King.
And I will find my strength in the shadow of your wings.

--lyrics by Third Day

I John 4:8-- "Where God's love is there is no fear, because God's perfect love drives out fear."

Prayer Request

Hello on a busy Monday...

As I type this I am finishing up at work and Mom is out with my cousin looking for a dress to wear to my wedding. I am getting choked up thinking about the beautiful gift her presence will be, not only at the ceremony but at my shower a couple of weeks from now. God is so good to allow us to spend this time together.

An aquaintance of mine e-mailed me the other day and shared some thoughts about her own personal struggle with watching her mom battle cancer. She said she constantly has to keep reminding herself: If I believe that God is in control and if I trust Him with my life then I can certainly trust Him with hers. I am choosing faith over fear today.

Tomorrow morning Mom will go in for a blood test to check her cancer markers. Please pray that the numbers will have stayed way down so that she can continue her "chemo holiday." She will not get the results until a few days later, but I will keep you posted.

This is my first attempt at uploading anything but pictures to this blog, so hopefully it works! I wanted you to see the adorable videos of Mom, Grant, and the kids playing in Florida. Such great memories. I added a couple of other pictures as well. I think it's important during times of challenge to focus on laughter and life and togetherness.

Last night in Florida

I can hardly believe that our Florida trip has come to an end. The first week with Nadine and John was relaxing and low key. So enjoyable. Well, week two was the total opposite. Miles and Claire keep the place hopping. Miles loves the pool and would have stayed in there inventing games all day. How I loved watching him and Claire discover the joys here--walks, trolley rides, boat rides out to the beach island, alligators in the lakes, and swimming in the waterfalls. I even floated around the lazy river with Miles on my lap. I have basked in the quantity of time I could spend with them and Grant and Deborah.

I have always hated goodbyes--even more so now. Cancer leaves you wondering what happens next. So I don't know what the future holds but how thankful I am as we celebrate Easter, that I, and all of you, have hope in Christ.

Thank you for your support and love and for taking this journey with me.
Deb

Here are the promised photos! Mom thinks her hat is funny looking, but I think she looks beautiful. Although Dad had to return home from Florida yesterday, Mom, Grant, Deborah and the kids continue to have fun in the sun. Miles absolutely loves the water and has been especially enjoying riding around on an inflatable turtle they rented from the resort. I will have to snatch some pictures of their adventures from Deborah when she gets home so I can share those as well.

Florida, Part 1

Hello on this rainy, cool Palm Sunday. The weather in Pittsburgh is quite the contrast from the 79 degree sunshine Mom, Dad, John and I enjoyed all this past week. My brain must still be functioning as though I am in Florida because I left for church this morning bare-legged in a khaki skirt and wedge sandals, only to shiver through the walk from the car to the sanctuary.

Our trip truly was wonderful. I hesitated to post something on the blog right away after returning home because I wanted to post some pictures as well. I promise that a shot of the "Flying Nun" hat and some others will be uploaded as soon as I find my camera card reader buried amidst the boxes I am already packing for my upcoming move. Anyway, the four of us enjoyed a peaceful, relaxing retreat that included days filled with strolls around the grounds of the resort--Mom and I walking and talking and observing flowers, Dad and John creeping along the edge of the ponds and wooded areas looking for bald eagles and alligators (both of which they spotted). We ate at two delicious restaurants and took advantage of the grills in the common area beneath our condo, cooking pork tenderloin one night and burgers another. John and Dad hit golf balls and played tennis; Mom and I shopped and read. We all soaked up the sun and soaked up lots of family time as well. John and I joked that if we want to sell a house, we should just go on vacation: My house sold last summer while I was at the cottage after being on the market only 2 days, and John's house sold this week after being on the market for only 2 days! Praise God.

...As usual, whether I am catching the plane in Philadelphia or Ft. Myers it is painful and difficult to say goodbye.

Mom seemed somewhat strengthened by the sunshine, continued break from chemo, and time to be together as a family. She and Dad are both looking forward to this upcoming week with Grant, Deborah, Miles, and Claire, who should be arriving at the resort as I type this. Unfortunately Dad can't stay the whole time because of his preaching schedule during Holy Week, but I'm sure they will have a great time chasing the kids around the kiddie pool, hiding Easter eggs for them, and enjoying all the "firsts" that both Miles and Claire are experiencing.

I made a comment to Mom this morning that although she wasn't in church for the traditional Palm Sunday celebration, waving a palm branch and singing hosannas, she is surrounded by palms and also surrounded by the Lord's unfailing love. It is often difficult to "live in the moment" and not get caught up in the "what ifs" and the uncertainties of future days, which undoubtedly will include more challenges, whether physical or mental/emotional. I was reminded during the sermon this morning that while the people in Jerusalem were anticipating Christ to come as a political leader, he arrived for a very different reason--to reach hearts and save souls and change lives. He comes to my family and to yours for the same reason, and this, friends, must be the source of our hope as we begin the week leading up to Easter. Whether you are in a rainy climate today or a warm, sunny one, I hope your heart is as full as mine is.

Thank you for continuing to stick with us on this roller-coaster ride, and stay tuned for photos!

from Nadine...

Hello, everyone. It's been a while since I've been the contributor, but I so appreciated Dorothy's insightful postings and Mom's firsthand account of her encouraging scan from earlier this week. Mom has had a pretty good week but felt anxious at times as she awaited her appointment with the oncologist, which she had this morning. The oncologist was encouraged by the results of the scan but says she still feels it is important to keep a close eye on Mom and the tumors, so she wants Mom to have a blood test in a month to check the levels of the cancer markers. Mom continues to build a great relationship with her new doctors which helps a lot with keeping her spirits up.

For now, we are all anticipating our vacation to Florida, which begins for Mom and Dad and John and me this coming Monday and continues for Mom the week of the 28th when she will be joined by Grant, Deborah, Miles and Claire. I can't wait to bathe in the sun's rays; Mom has to be a little more careful because of the recent chemo treatments so she will be sporting a wide-brimmed SPF 50 hat that she claims makes her look like the Flying Nun. I'll be sure to give you all a full report (and maybe share a photo!) next week.

We continue to thank you, our faithful friends and readers, for your prayers and support.

Scan news from Deb

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for your prayers and support for yesterday. A friend told me "You don't have to be courageous, you just have to get through it." And I did; one foot at a time and one sip at a time of that awful mixture I have to drink. I came home to wait and trust.

The nurse practitioner just called. The tumors in the abdomen/pelvis and liver have continued to shrink slightly or remain stable. That is such good news after not having any chemo treatments for 6 weeks. There is a new tumor in the left lobe of my lung. But it is the liver the doctor says is the most important right now and that is good. I see the doctor on Friday to talk about next steps.

Lori, the nurse practitioner, feels that Dr. Teitelbaum will suggest a continued chemo holiday for two months and then scan again. Yea! We will know more on Friday after the appointment.

How faithful God is. He continues to surround Will, my children, and me with His peace and comfort. He is indeed our fortress.
How powerful are your prayers that sustain me each day.

I send my thanks for that support and my love to you all,
Deb

From Dorothy again

Good Evening All,

I'm back at it to keep you up on the activities of the week. After my post yesterday Deb had a visit with her hospice nurse. During that time all of us were able to share some thoughts and more importantly Deb was able to express how she has been feeling. After explaining an uneasy feeling of fullness the nurse thought it would be best to tweak the pain meds which really made sense because this will keep things on a more even keel. I guess I'm getting a little better understanding of pain management.

One of the hardest things about this illness is that one minute you can be feeling wonderful and the next doubled over in pain. When I say one of the hardest things I don't mean to imply I know how the pain feels....I only know how hard it is to watch someone you love in pain. It was interesting to see the nurse just look at Deb and then express amazement at her courage,

and believe me she is courageous...although she wouldn't describe herself that way.

Friends from Pittsburgh were coming in to visit so Deb managed to rally and we all had a wonderful time spent 'round the table visiting, sharing and of course eating a beautifully prepared meal Judy and Mark brought along with them. We had time to fit in a few fun games of euchre and and buzzword too. This game time has become a regular part of the visit. Wednesday night we had "Ladies Night" and the competition was rousing and also relaxing.

Taking the time to unwind with a good game has been an upper for sure.

Wanted to say just a few words more about being 'round the table with Deb's friends. It's really what life is all about.... relationships. I've been privy to all of the friendships Deb has, but it wasn't until this week that I was actually able to connect alot of the faces to the names I've heard so much about, what a privilege. The love you have shown to her is priceless.

Yesterday I mentioned having more than one reason for not blogging sooner and I guess that's because I've still been trying to sort all of this out. As all of you know Monday is the "scan" day so please be in prayer...as I type this I know I'm preaching to the choir but I also feel it bears repeating. Please pray for peace and of course good news.

One last thing for tonight. Deb has a favorite song that she has been playing and I wanted to post a few of the lyrics. I'm sure some of you know it. It's called "Who am I" by Casting Crowns.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

When I think of good news....what better news than that of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Your in Christ,

Dorothy

From Dorothy

Good Morning All,

Sorry to have waited so long to post but Deb has been keeping me very busy. I'll admit there may be some other reasons for my hesitating to post but this social life has been cutting into my blogging time. It has been wonderful to get back and see first hand how Deb is doing. One thing that seems to keep coming up is the fact that Deb has gained a few pounds and looks great!! At the Wellness Center when we were at support group one of Deb's friends made a joke calling her a "chubette", it's funny what a little levity will do. I will say having the scales tip in our favor have done wonders for the way Deb looks and even carries herself, keep it up! It's hard not to keep falling into the rut of asserting my old job of "Food Police" although Will assured me that this was not something I would be doing this trip.

We have been with many of Deb and Will's friends over the past few days and it has really been interesting for me to see the love shared between them. It is amazing. I promise to catch up with everything going on here as they say "toot sweet" but for today I just wanted to share that Deb and I had a conversation about joy and happiness. She had witnessed a friend who had been through several trials but still seemed to exude a joyful attitude. In one of my Lenten meditations by Henri J.M. Nouwen he writes that " Joy is the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing--sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death can take that away." I see that joy in Deb. My husband and I had befriended a woman who worked at the market at home. We became alarmed when she wasn't around for several weeks. When she resurfaced she shared her journey of depression and ended with, "I chose Joy." Nouwen says that Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. It is a choice based on the knowledge that we belong to God and have found in God our refuge and our safety. Every day I've been here I see Deb choosing Joy.

Yours in Christ,

Dorothy

This week from Deb

Hello everyone,



This week I have tried to be a "normal" person, but continue to realize there is a "new normal".

Tuesday I went with a friend to Philadelphia's flower show. How wonderful to believe that spring will come and to see a glimpse of it with the beauty of the flowers there. We walked for almost 2 1/2 hours. Then I hit my limit wall and knew I could not walk another step. I was tired but pleased with being able to get out for an afternoon.

I continue to be frustrated with myself thinking I should be further along with rebuilding my energy and strength. But naptimes are still very common and early bedtimes continue to be the norm. But I realize that I was in chemo for 4 months so I should give myself time to recover and not think that being without treatment for 5 weeks in enough time to rid my body of the poisons and symptoms of chemo.

Today we went with new friends from the Wellness Center Cancer support group to meet with their priest who wanted to pray for my healing. He was a wonderful man of God and I tried to visualize the cancer leaving my body as he prayed. We all had lunch together. It is a section of Philadelphia that is home to a large Puerto Rican population. Our friend, Juan, grew up in that neighborhood and took us on a tour of where his home was and the renovations being done throughout those neighborhoods now.

I don't know if scanxiety is a word, but that is what I am starting to have as March 15 approaches. Only the Lord knows what the scan will show. Decisions will have to be made.

For now I long for our 2 weeks in Florida spending time with Nadine and Grant and their families. March 22 cannot come soon enough.

Again I thank you my faithful support group for your love and prayers. How fortunate and blessed I am to have you all in my life.

Love,

Deb

My Weekend Visit

I was so happy to feel the plane's wheels touch down on the runway, both on Friday in Philadelphia and this evening in Pittsburgh. With all the nasty weather we've been having, I was worried that my flights would be delayed or canceled or at the very least I would be in for a bumpy ride. Thank you all for the prayers for traveling mercies.

It was so good to be with my mom and my dad, as always. Mom's energy level is definitely on the rise, although she continues to experience occasional nosebleeds and still has mouth sores as a result of the chemo drugs lingering in her body. Despite these challenges, we were able to enjoy a full weekend. On Saturday morning we ventured out to Pottery Barn and added vases and pillows and serving platters to my registry. It was fun to wander around and envision how all of the beautiful pieces will look in our new home (John and I just closed on our house this past Thursday) and, more importantly, to have my mom be a part of the planning. Mom, Dad, and I all had lunch out--Mom loved her hamburger!--and then Mom and I spent a chunk of the afternoon talking and putting finishing touches on my wedding invitations. We all watched the Olympics and played games and laughed together.

This morning we even made it to church and went out for brunch! I'm sure Mom is really tired and welcomed a nap after I left for the airport, but I am so thankful that she went out of her way to plan outings for us and push herself to continually gain strength.

It's hard to shut out reminders that Mom is only taking a "chemo holiday" and is by no means "better" or "in remission," but it is energizing for us all to see a hints of her old self emerge.

We continue to ask for your prayers that the tumors will be kept at bay and that her upcoming scan (set for later in March) will show no regrowth.

For now, I am thankful for this weekend and already look forward to more family time in Florida! 22 days and counting.

from Deb

Hello all,

I thank you for your continued prayers, support, and love I feel from you all.

We are thankful the chemo marker has come down from the original 17000+ number.
However a short explanantion because several people have commented that it is wonderful that I am in remission.
Please know that is not true. The oncologist would have encouraged me to continue right on with chemo, but my body just could not take another dose. Therefore we agreed on this chemo vacation.
A CAT scan will be done on March 15. The possibilities: the cancer is stagnet, the marker number continues to reduce even without chemo, or the cancer has become agressive and growing without me continuing on chemo. At that time I will need to make a decision about chemo for life.

Other than a miracle, there is no cure for me. I am not a surgical candidate so the tumors, no matter how much they shrink, cannot be removed.
We are just hoping and praying that the cancer does not grow while I'm on holiday from chemo and that we can find some palliative measures that would extend life and the quality of life.

Right now I am so enjoying gaining some energy back. I've gotten out a few times. The fatigue is not as drastic, nor is the nausea. How thankful I am for those good signs.

Snow is expected yet again in Philadelphia. I pray it doesn't interfer with Nadine's flight to visit us on Friday evening. I can't wait to spend time with her.

I send my love to you all,
Deb

Mom's new oncologist called her personally to tell her that her cancer markers are now at 117!

Shout with joy to the Lord, O earth!

Worship the Lord with gladness.

Come before Him, singing with joy.

Acknowledge that the Lord is God!

He made us, and we are His.

We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving;

go into His courts with praise.

Give thanks to Him and bless His name.

For the Lord is good.

His unfailing love continues forever,

and His faithfulness continues to each generation.

Psalm 100

Reasons to Smile

This is Adina, posting my first entry on Deb's blog. When Nadine wrote last, she shared the difficulty of being cooped up in the house because of the snow and not being able to meet the new oncologist. Today we did, and we left with many reasons to smile. First, Dr. Titlebaum reiterated how well Deb has responded to the chemo treatments. She indicated that often the most aggressive cancers respond best to chemo and if you are among the 50-60% of people who respond to the chemo, it can be quite dramatic. Deb is among this 50-60% and she has responded incredibly well. We looked at a graph of her CEA marker numbers - which peaked at 17,198 in October and came down to 162 as of late January. The doctor remarked at just how dramatic Deb's response has been. Way to go Deb!

After celebrating her great response to the treatment, the doctor explored Deb's options at this point. Some of the options included continuing with the chemo she has been getting or some modified treatments, but we all agreed that the best course for Deb at this point is a chemo holiday so she can regain her strength. During this holiday, she would restore a normal diet, including fruits and vegetables, she would build in some exercise to strengthen her body, and generally engage in whatever social and spiritual activities she finds personally restorative. Deb will be in regular e-mail contact with the doctor and her wonderful nurse practitioner, Lori, to share how she is doing and to discuss any questions that may arise during her holiday!

The best moment of the morning, however, was when the doctor told deb that she is "not looking at a dying woman." More and more, she explained, they have the resources to treat colon cancer as a chronic illness like diabetes or high blood pressure. They cannot cure it, but it can be managed, and given the fact that Deb is responding to treatment and that there are still many drugs out there to work with to build a balanced treatment plan, there are many options. There is really no telling how long Deb could live. This holiday will give us all a chance to see what the cancer does without the regular chemo treatments. If it spikes again in activity, this will tell us one thing , and if it remains stable or only grows slightly, this will tell us something else about her future treatment.

Overall, we are all smiling today and Deb is in the kitchen preparing a lunch that I believe she will enjoy more than she has enjoyed a meal in a long time. The ongoing support of her large army of friends continues to be really important for her. Now, hopefully, we can shift our energies to support her enjoyment of life and restorative health.

Hello from snowy Pittsburgh. This is Nadine again, just to clairfy because we've had several "guest contributors" lately. :-) It has been difficult for all of us who were affected by the recent snowstorms to maintain our routines (not to mention our sanity!) but I know that for Mom is has been especially trying because she is stuck at home and unable to meet with her new oncologist. Routines and a sense of accomplishment are important to Mom and keep her going. Fortunately, her friend Adina came over the other day and helped her to make a schedule for each long winter day. Activities include simple exercises to help keep up her strength, working on projects, mealtime, etc. With Mom having little or no appetite it's important for her to remind herself to eat and keep on track.

Please pray that nothing will bar Mom and Dad from making it to their appointment this Thursday.

A Valentine's weekend

Hello faithful readers. Deborah (not to be confused with Debra :) here. Grant, Miles, Claire and I arrived safely last night after a good trip across the state. Thankfully the roads were very clear for our journey. Miles was so excited to be on our way to Mica and Pop Pop's house that the last 30 minutes all we heard from the back seat was "Mica and Hop Hop? Mica? Hop Hop?" Needless to say, falling asleep was not easy.

You would all be happy to know that Deb has not lost a bit of her creative side, and amidst the many tiresome side effects of the chemo had planned a scavenger hunt through-out the house for Miles to complete this morning. For every heart or flower that he could find there was a Valentine's gift for either him or Claire. It didn't take him long to find the candy bowl either, which was not a part of the hunt.

Our weekend thus far has been comfortingly quiet. Soup, the Olympics opening ceremony, and a trip to Whole Foods have kept us nourished and occupied. Tonight Grant and I are making dinner after which I'm sure we will enjoy a warm fire. We are so very thankful for this family and our time together.

From Will

Kit Bassler from our church sent me this today. It is a couple years old...so maybe some of you have already read it; but it is worth a reread.

You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, 'Purpose Driven Life' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California .

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body -- but not the end of me.
I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life, but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times, you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems, no pitty parties! If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain. But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before.

I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety, and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do: II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit... We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

Mom was able to re-schedule her appointment with the oncologist for next Thursday, February 18th, but she will not be getting chemo because there are no treatment rooms available. They will use the time during this meeting to come up with a plan for moving forward.