"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away."

On the eve of Mom and Dad's 36th wedding anniversary, I paused to read and reflect on the above quote. I also pause now to celebrate the marriage of my parents, of two people who have been through their share of the "better" and the "worse, " of a couple who has experienced the interworkings of marriage and the ups and downs of life and continually come out on the other side. I am sure there were many times when they could have thrown in the towel, said 'enough is enough', pursued dreams of their own so personal that neither Grant nor I could even begin to guess at what they were. I can only hope and pray that I will have the opportunity, someday, to celebrate as many anniversaries as my mom and dad will celebrate tomorrow.

Maybe some would say that there isn't much to celebrate right now. Maybe Mom and Dad feel tired or feel as though they are gazing into a future so uncertain that they might as well stop planning and just passively accept what comes. But I don't believe that love is passive. I believe that love "always hopes, always perseveres." So press on, Mom and Dad. Keep moving forward with determination and hope and gladness. Keep modeling the forgiveness for one another and the committment to one another that I have grown to admire. I know that I join many, many others when I pray that 36 years will turn into 46 and 56 and 66 and all the while, through trial after trial, your roots will become more deeply intertwined.

Thank you for being models of love for me and for Grant and for others in your life. I love you both with all my heart.

I'm so happy that today is sunny and bright for Mom and Dad's drive back across the turnpike. It is never easy for me to say goodbye, but that's been the case with me even before Mom got sick. I'm trying to focus on the fact that we had a great time together and that Christmas is right around the corner.

Yesterday Mom and Dad accompanied me to a bridal boutique where I bought my wedding dress, and then in the evening John joined us for a belated birthday dinner for Dad. We kept everything low-key because Mom was very tired and still dehydrated. Plus, she needed to reserve her energy for this morning, when a friend of Deborah and Grant's spent over an hour photographing all of us together, both posed shots and candids of the kids playing and all of us sitting around talking.

As you think about Mom this week and continue to uphold her in prayer, please pray specifically that she will be strong as she approaches yet another round of chemo. I could tell just by being near her as well as by what she expressed that it will be hard to face another round right on the heels of the last one. She will also meet with the surgeon early this coming week to set a date for surgery.

Happy Thanksgiving!

By the time most of you read this it will be the day after Thanksgiving and you will be reheating leftovers. I hope you were all able to enjoy time with the special people in your life. Thankfully, Mom and dad made it safely to Pittsburgh on Tuesday and were able to visit with Grant, Deborah, Miles, and Claire before spending Wednesday with my mom's dad. We thought that Mom was over the hump from her last chemo treatment and had experienced few symptoms, but unfortunately today was very rough for her. While we all feasted at the dinner table, Mom sat in the other room covered in blankets, sometimes holding Claire, trying to keep hydrated. Still, I was so thankful that we were given the gift of today. Sometimes my vision blurred with tears, sometimes I was laughing along with the others as we played games and told stories, but I kept reminding myself that the important thing was having each moment to cherish.

Tomorrow holds the promise of more opportunities to make lasting memories. Please continue to pray that Mom will gain some weight, keep down food and liquids, and be encourgaged and strengthened.

Thank you all for your good wishes and engagement congratulations! I'm thankful to have such a generous, kind, and family-oriented man in my life who has a great relationship with my family. I am praying with confidence that the great news about Mom's shrinking tumors will continue and that she will have many many many years to share in happy occasions like this one.

Speaking of the power of prayer, Mom and I were talking today about the fact that she is feeling pretty well despite the recent dose of chemo, and she is definitely attributing that to everyone's prayers. My cousins visited with her yesterday and she had an accupuncture appointment today, but other than that she has been resting and preparing for the drive to Pittsburgh tomorrow. Please pray for traveling mercies as well as for Mom's pain and fatigue to be at a minimum as they travel. We anticipate many opportunities to make wonderful memories over the next several days.

From Deb

Will and I are so pleased to announce that today Nadine became engaged to John Michalak. We welcome John to our family. He is personable, outgoing, loves our daughter and loves the Lord. We look forward to celebrating this wonderful occassion when we are all together at Grant and Deborah's house for Thanksgiving.

For me, the chemo was removed today after its 3 day infusion into my body. With the encouraging news that the tumors are shrinking it is a bit easier to put up with the horrible side effects as the poison wrecks havoc with my body. Typically Sunday and Monday are the days I really crash so I solicit your prayers specifically for the next two days.

God is certainly faithful in answering prayers. What a joy to be able to trust in Him.

Great news! Mom's test results showed that all of the tumors are shrinking and there are no new tumors. Her CEA numbers (cancer markers) also decreased significantly. She received a fourth Chemo treatment today and was very encouraged by this news. Thanks so much for all of your prayers, they are working!! Praise God!!

From Nadine...

I was driving to work this morning, listening to K-Love (Christian radio) when I heard a song called "Let the Waters Rise" by this new band called Mike's Chair. The words ministered to me and I wanted to share them with all of you.

Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where you want me to
God I trust you

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
if you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cause you'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God you know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding your hand

God your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto you

God your love is enough
I will follow you
I will follow you

Deb's turn

Hello,

I was talking to Nadine and sharing my days with her and she said she thought it would be helpful to share with you. So here goes. Yesterday (Monday) was a particularly low day for me. I went to work at the office but got so exhausted I had to leave. I simply couldn't shake the feeling of doom. I cried most of the day and went to those dark places where it is not helpful to go. Will was at Session meeting and I was so low. It was a very difficult evening for me.

However as a good friend reminded me today--that's why God orchestrated 24 hours in a day, because there is a beginning and an end. The end and going to bed puts closure on a tough day and brings hope of the morning.

Today has been so much better. I had energy to work from home on my project. Then I had several visitors. I always find I am much better when people visit. I'm sure it is my personality of loving to have people all around me. They told stories, made me laugh, shared crises in their own lives. They treated me as their friend. I thrived.

Read a very meaningful devotion from Streams in the Desert. I would like to share a portion that I found so helpful. "Therefore do not always look ahead to your tomorrows for some ideal situation, exotic difficulty or faraway emergency in which to shine. Rise today to face the circumstances in which the providence of God has placed you. You crown of glory is hidden in the heart of these things--the hardships and trials pressing in on you this very hour, week, and month of your life. Yet the most difficult things are not those seen and known by the world but those deep within your soul. It matters not how the battle goes, the day how long; Faint not! Fight on! Tomorrow comes the song."

That is my prayer for all of you as you battle life's uncertainties and hardships. Please pray for me to learn to take one day at a time.

Thursday morning is my appointment with the oncologist. He will tell us the results of the MRI. Then we will know if the chemo regiment is working and some cancer cells are dying. If so, I will undergo another chemo session that day. If not, it will be decision time. Pray for wisdom in decision making and peace as we await results.

My heart overflows with gratitude for your love and support,
Deb

Good morning, friends...it was a pretty quiet weekend. Mom struggled with some pain and the usual fatigue, but she was able to take a short walk on Sunday with a friend and really enjoyed the fresh air. Mom and Dad also had a visit from a man who has the same kind of cancer that mom does and his wife (friends of a friend). This visit was an encouragement because this man was diagnosed four years ago, received the same kinds of chemo that mom is, and has come out on the other side. We continue to pray that mom will be able to tell a similar story.

I hate being far away from Mom, and I wish more than anything that I was boarding a plane again this week to be with her during chemo on Thursday, but I'm looking forward to lots of good family time on Thanksgiving. It seems like kind of an ironic holiday now that we are walking through a time of crisis and uncertainty, but what I'm learning is that having spirit of gratitude does not mean being happy and contented about everything, but instead focusing on what we DO have--another day to love each other and to enjoy the sun rising in the sky, the blessing of friends and co-workers and even strangers who are praying along with us.

This weekend I had the opportunity to have lunch with one of my dearest friends in the world, and it was so nice to be with someone who knows me and accepts me as I am, someone I didn't have to pretend with, and someone who has been with me through the rough patches and the joyful moments of my life and been a consistent, trusted confidant the entire time. She is gift to me. My prayer today is that we would all take a moment to thank special people in our lives. I don't think we can ever know how important those acknowledgements might be.

From Dorothy again

Good Morning,

I'm starting out a little differently than the last post after being reprimanded by a former pastor, who shall remain nameless (I say with my tongue firmly pressed in my cheek), who informed me that some of you would not be familiar with me. I had not given this any thought due to my excitement of just being here. So to clear up any confusion, I didn't come in from Kansas but rather Ohio where I met Deb and Will when they came to Sebring in 1983. Will became the Pastor of Sebring Presbyterian Church where my family and I attend. Deb and I got together weekly to what would now be called prayer/share/care time. Looking back it seems that we had little life experience and our prayer request were sometimes contrived. But it was through this time we forged a friendship that has lasted the test of time and trial.

Deb and I ran a few errands yesterday while Will attended a pastor's bible study. We paced ourselves so Deb wouldn't become too fatigued. I think at the end of the run Deb felt successful and accomplished and that was the goal. The fact that Deb trusts me to drive in the Philly traffic is amazing. I was told yesterday by Deb that Will still tells stories of my being directionally challenged. Last night was a quiet night for us at home. It was amazing to open the door to a beautifully prepared dinner of cornish hens, risotto and asparagus. Again, as I mentioned in my earlier post, the outpouring of love here has been wonderful. Deb did have some problems with shortness of breath yesterday and that was a concern.We had determined later that maybe it was from dehydration and she sipped water all evening. Each little thing makes you question its origin, but that is where we need to rely on our faith. Sometimes easy, sometimes not so easy.

We watched a little television together and went up to bed knowing an MRI would be done early in the morning. Deb handed me Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About The Bike: My Journey Back to Life, on my way to bed. She had wanted me to read the chapter on chemo so I dug in before sleeping.

Because the MRI was scheduled so early, Deb and Will went alone. I stayed at the house and got everything put back together to go home tonight. The MRI went well but because they had to connect and reconnect the port it took a little longer than usual. When they got home Deb experienced some nausea and we put her right to bed. After a nap she felt so much better and is as I write visiting with two colleagues in another part of the house. It feels good to hear the Deb's voice become animated as she talks about work. Imagine having a nice conversation about something just regular, not cancer. At times just doing away with the elephant in the room feels good, normal.

I wanted to mention something about the chapter on chemo in the Armstrong book. I think chemotherapy is a process you can't entirely understand unless you are the one having it.

When we put Deb to bed earlier today she was shivering so bad I laid over her to warm her.

She told me that cancer was so hard....don't ever get it. Pretty profound words. Lance had an oncology nurse who really was an angel to him. When he asked her if she thought he would pull through she answered in such a unique way. This is just a portion of it. She said, "Lance, I hope someday to be just a figment of your imagination. When you're cured you'll say, "Who was that nurse back in Indiana? Did I dream her?"

Deb has mentioned several times how surreal all of this still seems. My hope and continued prayer is that we will be looking back on all of this and seeing God's healing hand.

One more story for you. Whenever we sing the hymn, "God of Grace and God of Glory" in our church invariably during the chorus John and I will look at one another and transpose Grant's name in the place of courage and wisdom. I know you are singing it in your head right now.

It's something we have done since they left, just a little trivial thing that makes us think of the family. I looked the song up in the hymnal I found here this morning. The scripture listed under the title is Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous: do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

It seems very fitting doesn't it.

I decided to post early and let my leaving be private. I'm not good at leaving.

It has been good for me to share with you while I've been here. Thanks for listening.

Many thanks to Nadine for allowing me this luxury.

Yours in Christ, Dorothy

From Dorothy

Hello..I was so happy to finally arrive on Tuesday morning. It didn't take but a few minutes for Deb and I to settle into our usual rythmn. We took a long walk and discussed tough issues with the honesty and frankness to which we have long grown accustomed. This is just one of the things I love about her and sharing like this is a pattern that has been nurtured for many years and thankfully is still intact. I'll admit this was a fear for me before I left home and came to a head as I waited to board the plane in Pittsburgh. A quick call to John for reassurance made those fears go away and seeing Will at the airport felt like I'd just seen him yesterday. Deb and I spent the rest of the day catching up and just enjoying being together. A visit from a friend bringing gifts and food providing a wonderful hour of sharing. I came not really knowing what to expect and this was a great time of unexpected serendipity. Will, Deb and I got into a game of Bananarama and I came out on the short end, but lots of fun. After a bit of TV time we went to bed realizing we had a big day coming up.

Today started early with a morning visit to Deb's Primary Care Physician. Deb has been bothered by an onslaught of tears and emotion that have accompanied this last round of chemo, also more fatigue than she is used to, all of which the doctor patiently explained as useful and beneficial. We were both impressed with the care and love shown in this particular visit. She gave Deb so many tangible things to do that we were both pschyed when we left. On the upside the doctor told us to get some Lactose Free Slim Fast. The thought behind this being both to boost her caloric intake and provide needed protein. Weight loss countinues to be a problem, please pray for this area specifically. Not so easily accepted was the doctor's mandate that Deb stay out of large crowds. She absolutely nixed the idea of church until all of the chemo rounds are over because it would compromise her already depleted immune system. This was really the only time Deb protested citing her need to support Will. I always go to church, I think is the way she put it. I would insert all CAPS for emphasis on that last statement but I think all of you know how assertive Deb can be. The doctor would not relent and as I write this I would hope the folks at Leverington PC would extend grace in this area too. I have been overwhelmed by the love expressed by this congregation, it is staggering. They truly exude the love of Christ.

Will met us at the Wellness Community for their collective support groups. After that Deb and I stayed for a Mind/Body Meditation class that proved to be both interesting and profitable.

Finally arriving back home Deb took a snooze and soon Will was home. I'm happy to report Deb had a great dining experience, she ate quite a bit, while we shared about our newfound meditation expertise. I can't express how much this has done for me just being here and I'm already thinking it will be hard to leave, but I'm thankful to Will for his loving care for Deb(my BFF) and would again ask for prayers this time for him. I am new to all of this and the additional stack of hats that he is is wearing are truly staggering.

In closing for today, this journey is really just beginning and we don't know exactly what the future holds, but thankfully we know who holds the future.

Yours in Christ, Dorothy

From Deb

Well, Nadine just left to fly back to her home in Pittsburgh. It has been wonderful having her here, but so very different. Instead of exploring new boutiques together or walking for hours at an orchard, I had to savor the moments of her curled up next to me on the bed holding my hand and stroking my head as I drifted off for one of my many naps. She has been such an encouragement that I should not beat myself up for my lack of energy. Somehow I look at it as a weakness to feel so tired and drained. She reminds me that my body is fighting and it needs rest and sleep to arm itself for this battle. I am so proud of the woman she is, the character she has and the strength and faith she draws on.

I have also come to despise the "end the call" button on skype. It brings smiles to our faces to talk with Grant, Deborah, Miles and Claire through the computer. Miles was excited to show us his pumpkin he decorated with stickers. Claire at 3 months is alert and grins. Having Miles give us kisses on the computer is one of the most joyous moments of the day. I could watch him all day and never tire of his antics and stories.

So sometimes it isn't an "ah-ha" moment that gets you through the day. Sometimes it is just the hand massage a friend stops by to give, or a special loaf of pumpkin bread someone brings, or a text message saying I am loved. How thankful I am for those signs of support. In those dark moments when the Lord seems distant, I feel blessed by all of you.

Although we woke up to sunny, warm weather, this was a dark day emotionally. Mom shared that she feels positive and hopeful most days but sometimes she feels like this battle is impossible and never-ending. Today was one of those days when even the hymns in church and the promises in scripture didn't bring much comfort. Mom had a really difficult afternoon of being emotionally and physically exhausted. Betsy Rockey brought dinner and visited for a while, which provided a helpful boost for Mom's spirits. Please pray for her stamina as she endures the two most difficult days of the chemo side-effects today and tomorrow and pray for joy to come in the morning.

Nadine is back!

Hello, friends...I'm sure you've enjoyed hearing from all of the "guest contributors" while I spent a busy week back in Pittsburgh. Last night the Pregnancy Resource Center of the South Hills, where I serve as the Education Director, held it's 20th Anniversary Banquet. It was truly a beautiful event and a celebration of life. Now I'm in Philadelphia celebrating each moment of life with my mom. I arrived today--thankfully I flew this time rather than making the long trip in the car by myself--around 1:00 and will stay until Monday evening. Mom tried to warn me that she would look different and I should prepare myself. I am sure there will be difficult moments for all of us over the next few days, but the thing about being with my mom is that she is still the same person she always was: witty, opinionated, determined, full of life. We are comfortable with one another, and from the moment I step foot in my parents' house I am truly home, so I feel safe here even in the throes of uncertainty. I do think Mom looks thin and somewhat physically weakened, and she was nauseous during the afternoon, but she was still able to spend a full day visiting with several friends: Becky and Adina, then, later in the afternoon, Linda. We had dinner with Dad in front of the fire and talked before playing several rousing games of Banana Grams. As I type this the fire is still crackling behind me and Mom is getting ready to watch "Ugly Betty." Simple moments but special ones.

From Will

Today Deb began her third round of chemo. First we met with Dr. Sun, who said Deb has to relinquish control and stop being concerned about the CEA level for her cancer markers. He said these are different for each individual. He reminded her that she is a person who is living life, and happens to have cancer. His main concern is that she has lost six pounds in the last two weeks. He said that this is one area she "can" control. Her lactose intolerance gives her less options for getting protein, so he said he wants her to focus on eating fish, chicken, and beef so that she gets protein from meat. Next Friday she will have another MRI scan; then we will meet with Dr. Sun on the 19th to see if the chemo is working or if there needs to be an adjustment in the type of chemo she is receiving. She will then receive round 4 on the same day. It looks like they will try to give her six rounds before surgery. Thanks so much for your prayers. Right now Deb is feeling light headed, tired, and has a sore back, but other than that....love, will

From Deb again...This is the night before Chemo round three. It is a time of anticipation and a time of anxiety. Of course, for those who know me well, it comes as no surprise that I have a list of questions for the oncologist. With other illnesses you know if you are improving, but with cancer, who knows? Only a scan can tell if the chemo is killing those cancer cells.

I am so very happy that Nadine is coming from Friday until Monday to be here as a support. She brigs me comfort and love, and I long to have her sit with me, pray with me and talk about the wonderful memories we have and hope for ones we will create for the future.

My cousin reminded me today that Galations 6:2 says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." So many of you have taken that verse to heart and have given such an outpouring of love to us.

I covet your prayers for the next several days I am on the chemo infusions.

Thank you, Deb

Another new voice: Deb's. These are the days before round three of chemo that happens on Thursday, the 5th that I have more energy. Of course the problem with chemo is that the effects are cumulative. So the times of "get up and go" are fewer, but I am thankful to awaken each morning and look forward to the day. I went to work for several hours today. If felt good to be at the office and see my colleagues who are incredibly supportive.

A man I admire in my cancer support group (he just got married to a wonderful woman a month ago) said it takes about eight months until you start to see the blessings that dealing with cancer bring to your life. The first time he said that I could not imagine, but you know, he is right. Each day brings a struggle of nausea, fatigue, times of being afraid and times of feeling surrounded by peace.

My blessings have come in the form of family and friends. So many prayers and so much support. How grateful I am for that. It seems that people just know wonderful ways to show their love. Friends who buy me acrylic glasses because they won't conduct the cold and hurt my fingers; send money and say "this is to be used for valet parking at the hospital"; buy me a sweatsuit because I am so cold; bring over snacks for Will to enjoy during the Phillies games; Whole Foods gift cards so buying organically isn't such a financial burden; money designated for my hair dresser to come to my house; coming to visit from many parts of the country to just hold my hand when I am having a down time; sending books and food and beautiful cards, all reminding me of God's love for me and my family. I have especially felt privileged to have people pray with me and for me.

I have missed having siblings, yet two of my cousins have started emailing me almost daily just to keep in touch, sharing memories and just telling me about their lives. It has filled a void of not having family around. How thankful I am for them. I look forward to getting emails from many friends just telling me about life or sending a joke to make me laugh.

I am blessed. I don't know what the future holds. But none of us know that. I do know that I have surrendered my will to the Lord and I will face the many challenges with His help. I don't know what I would do without Will's support and Nadine, Grant and Deborah's love and support.

I want to thank all of you. I do send my love to you all.